The other day I was on twitter and someone random said something to me. It was kinda mean and it’s sad that the mean things tend to stick out in my head, but it did. This person said something to the effect of “with all the splurging you are doing pregnant, I bet you are gaining too much weight.” I didn’t respond to them AT ALL. I’ve learned that when I do respond to people like this, all of a sudden they gain more twitter followers. Not something I wanted to give them. So I sat on that for a couple of weeks and now want to talk about it.

Pregnancy is always hard for me. It’s not so much the physical part as it is the emotional part. After all that hard work and sacrifice, I HAVE to gain weight. To some people that doesn’t sound like such a big deal, but to someone who has come as far as I have and has an eating disorder, it feels like a HUGE set back. My last pregnancy, I gained about 60 lbs. Way more than the average person. Was I watching what I ate? Yes. Was I exercising? Well, I was taking Tae Bo and boot camp classes up until 2 weeks before delivery. So yes, I was. (As a matter of fact, I was doing better than some of the people in there that weren’t pregnant.) And then I wonder to myself how much I would have gained had I not done those things. I’m scared of that answer. So why all the weight gain? I really have no idea. The only thing that makes sense to me is my body is desperately trying to put back what was lost to give to the baby somehow. I have NO other explanation than that. I’m sure someone who knows a great deal about metabolism and major weight loss can give you a better explanation.

As to this pregnancy, It’s been different than the last one. I’ve been far more depleted: sick, tired, nauseous, feeling overwhelmed, and emotionally drained. I haven’t exercised as much and yet I haven’t gained as much. And I’ve actually been far more hungry, so I’m eating more. I’m halfway through and have already gained almost 20 lbs. To me that’s a HUGE improvement from last time. Yes, that’s more than the average again, but I think my metabolism is getting better. Ironically, I still have some major stamina when I do workout. In fact, I’ve been taking classes with Billy Blanks every Tuesday night and I’ve been doing just fine. In fact, I’m finishing stronger than most of the women there. How? I have NO idea. I should be exhausted, but I think all the high intensity stuff I did BEFORE I got pregnant may have something to do with it.

Enter the mind of someone with an eating disorder. Any weight gain is too much weight gain. We are really tough on ourselves. We tend to have a black and white interpretation of things. I’m fat and therefore I’m bad and I’m just going to sit here and drown my sorrows in this tub of ice cream. Does that make any sense? No. Are people with eating disorders highly intelligent people? Mostly, yes. It doesn’t matter how big I am. The only thing I see is how I weigh more than what I did X months ago. So here is my own personal struggle. Everyday I feel some sort of guilt and shame about my weight gain. My own personal challenge is putting it all into perspective even though my eating disorder tells me I’m a failure. The craziness about it all is I’m NOT a failure. Look at how far I’ve come and it’s not like I can’t lose all the weight again after the baby is born.

I share this all with you because I know there are people reading this who also struggle with eating disorders or emotional eating. I’m not comfortable being your leader and making you think that I have conquered it all. I don’t think that helps people because then you all have a false sense of reality. “If I can just lose XX amount of weight, my life will be perfect and I’ll have gotten over all this”…not true. When you lose all that weight, you will still struggle emotionally every day. I do. If you have gained ANY weight over the holidays, you may feel just like me–guilt and shame over it and kicking yourself from all the hard work you have done that you just erased. So if you feel this way, don’t think for a second that I don’t understand how you feel. And don’t hide ashamed from me. I’m revealing myself here with open honesty. Don’t be afraid to do the same. Trust me, I have more to lose here.

Some places online will make you feel ashamed when you have lost your way. This is not one of those places. I say…SO F*CKING WHAT? You are here now and that is all that matters. The most important lesson I’ve learned from all this over years and years is the ones who get back up (even though they feel lower than low) are the ones who get what they want. Who cares that you had bad month or bad year of a bad couple of years. That is all in the past. We have the here and now to deal with. And today, I want you to stand WITH me–Proud, imperfect and strong because we have each other. I have you and you have me. We are badass.

I’ve lost over 100 lbs….yadda yadda yadda…but over the course of doing that, I learned how important it is to pat yourself on the back for things that you have done right. And because it’s the end of the year, I’ve decided to do just that to remind myself of how far I have come in life. Here are my top 10 accomplishments so far…

1. Birthing 2 beautiful babies and breastfeeding them both. Especially the breastfeeding part because it didn’t come easy to me. In fact, there were several times I almost gave up from the pain, exhaustion, infections, lack of understanding what the hell to do, etc. I actually think that breastfeeding my first child was HARDER than losing over 100 lbs. and I’m not even joking. For this I’m very proud of myself for sticking with something even when I thought I was a failure. Not easy to do.

2. Having enough sense to marry a “nice guy.” Yeah, you heard me right. My past relationships were full of not so nice guys. In fact, because of my record my own mother said to me when I started dating Mark…”Leah, this one is a keeper. Don’t f*ck this up….” No joke. And she meant it with as much love as she could muster, but it was the truth because she knew me. Back then I could be my own worst enemy.

3. Losing over 100 lbs. in spite of the fact that I have an eating disorder. This was a feat that was so difficult, I still shake my head in amazement. BUT it’s also a feat that gives me hope and gives other people hope and for that it deserves to be in the top 10 every year. Oh, yeah…and it makes me badass.

4. Creating the Mamavation community. Being able to create a community where women are non-judgemental, loving and supportive, understanding, REAL, and effective is just an amazing blessing. I pinch myself everyday that I’ve turned my anti-sorority bullshit stance from college into a sorority that feels open and loving. Has this actually happened? I’m still stunned. I also have the honor to help women take control of their lives like I did. The satisfaction I get from helping so many is indescribable.

5. Graduating top of my class at USC and speaking at graduation. Not everyone knows this about me and I don’t broadcast it all time but I did and I’m proud of it. When I graduated from the Annenberg School at the University of Southern California I spoke at graduation in front of about 700 people. Getting straight As was very difficult for me. I had to study more than my peers, but I think because of that I’m very accustomed to hard work. I don’t shy away from challenges. I own them. Because of my accomplishments, the University of Southern California invited me back to get my Masters. I worked for them and received free tuition in exchange. So yeah, I’m kinda smart too.

6. Turning my hobby into a successful business.  This “blogging thing” started off as a hobby over 5 years ago. I needed to do something that tickled my brain a bit and proved to my mother that I wasn’t wasting my Masters degree. I think my start up costs were under $100 the first month. It was worth every penny. Where else but in social media can you create something out of nothing? All you need is a really good idea and the dedication to work your ass off. Today I get paid to do what I like to do and make my own hours…and work in my underwear if I want.

7. Seen and been to a lot of cool places, i.e. traveled the world. I’ve lived outside of the United States in London and China and I’ve traveled all over Europe. Having those experiences have really pushed my boundaries with what I’m comfortable with and what I can withstand on a daily basis. What I mean is, you can handle more than you think you can. Living in other countries truly tests your ability to change and adapt while staying strong inside. I also feel like these experiences have made me very tolerant of others. I’m mostly a non-judgemental person for two reasons: (1) because I’m not Mother Theresa and (2) because I’ve seen and experienced lot of things in other cultures that would be very odd here. The world is a bigger place than our little sandboxes.

8. Caring for my father as he was dying. This is a hard one for me to think about in terms of accomplishments, but it’s important because it built character. When my father was dying of cancer, I was pregnant with my first child and I was caring for him. I watched my father go from the strongest person in my life to the weakest person in my life. And I was helpless to stop it. Caring for my father as he was dying helped me to accept things, appreciate things, and find the light at the end of the tunnel. I would not be the person I am today without this experience.

9. Getting lots of praise for my accomplishments. Holy shit have I been written about. I know what I’ve done is pretty badass, but when other people agree with you, it really feels good.

10. Getting to be myself without too much censorship, and getting away with it. Okay, this sounds funny, but it’s huge for me. It’s emotionally painful for me to pretend to be be something I’m not. In fact, times in my life where I had to do that have taken a big emotional toll on my psyche. I have to be me. I don’t apologize for who I am. I’m spunky, eccentric, very TMI, random, caring….and a lot of fun. Having children and losing weight gave me enough personal strength to say “the hell with it” and just be myself. And I love social media because this is the medium where the eccentric are celebrated. I fit right in.

Thanks for listening to me….Here’s to ten more!